


The Pirate Groom

by blue_pointer, MassiveSpaceWren



Category: Avengers Academy (Video Game), Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Alternate Universe - Princess Bride Fusion, America Chavez as inigo Montoya, Angst, Attempted Seduction, BAMF Tony Stark, Betty Ross is a chicken, Bucky as Westley, Captain America Reverse Big Bang 2018, Cherik - Freeform, Comedy, Crack, DC reference, Dismemberment, Disney References, Evil Plans, Farce, Flirting, Friendship, Game of Thrones References, Hate to Love, He-man references, Heartbreak, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hulk as Fezzik, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Tony, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Jarvis as Sebastian, Jarvis the lone cheerleader, Jarvis' attempts at song, King Bruce, Little Mermaid jokes, Lovecraftian, M/M, Mind Control, Minor Character Death, My Two Dads - Freeform, Old Married Couple, Pirates, Rescue Missions, Revenge, Sarcasm, Sex Change, Shapeshifting, Sibling Rivalry, Skeletor jokes, Star Wars References, Swordfighting, Tea Parties, Teamwork, The Hobbit References, The Tesseract (Marvel), Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, Weddings, anachronistic humor, benign pirating, bondage jokes, emergency procedure, engineer Rhodey, epic kisses, had to, honest pirate, it's a beautiful day in Thor's neighborhood, lesbian threats, merman tony, mostly dead, no goodbyes, octomer, octopus anatomy, passing the torch, pirate bucky, prisoner Tony, reluctant romance, shades of Gamma Hammer, sorry - Freeform, taking pot shots at Loki, twin pirates, winteriron, with Red Skull
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-28 06:26:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15042746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/blue_pointer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MassiveSpaceWren/pseuds/MassiveSpaceWren
Summary: Ever since the death of his father, Tony has dedicated his life to eradicating Hydra from the oceans he calls home. But when he becomes Hydra's captive, it's pirate Captain Bucky and his trusty crew to the rescue! Can these reluctant allies work together to stop Queen Nefaria's evil plan to start a war utilizing a Hydra army and their secret weapon? Find out in this Marvel-ous reimagining of The Princess Bride.[Fic by blue_pointer, art by MassiveSpaceWren]





	1. Heart of the Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Above the surface, Bucky begins his career as a pirate. In mysterious fathoms below, Tony gets his heart broken and embarks on a one-man campaign against Hydra.

The first time Bucky climbed to the top of the cliffs overlooking the coast, he fell in love. The call of the ocean was like a heartbeat he'd longed to hear his entire life but never knew existed. From that moment, all Bucky wanted was to sail the seas, be as close to the ocean as he could possibly be without growing a fish tail. 

Well, okay, for a brief time, he had wanted something else. There had been a farmer’s daughter and professions of true love...but that was all behind him now. He’d chalked it up to the trials of youth. No woman had ever called to Bucky like the sea.

But he needed a plan. A seasonal farmworker with no money couldn’t just walk aboard a frigate and declare himself captain. Bucky thought about it for a long time. He studied ships and he studied crews and he studied routes. Finally, for safety, he took a job aboard a merchant vessel. It was just to get experience, an entry-level job as a deckhand, watching the cargo in the hold, loading and offloading. Bucky learned a lot, but life at sea didn’t live up to his expectations; it was boring and disgusting by turns.

Then the pirates came, and all of that changed.

 

*

 

The thing about octopus hearts was, they were delicate. Sure, every pod had three, but that didn’t mean you could just stomp all over them without consequences. Tony’s first heart broke when his father told him he wasn’t good enough. Granted, Howard was dangling from the mouth of a shark at the time, so the shock didn’t last long. Still, the wound was deep. 

 

*

 

As far as Bucky could tell, working for pirates didn’t seem so different from working for merchants. It even paid better--that is, the food Bucky got for his day’s work was better and there was more of it. Also, the company was more interesting, and more willing to talk with him. Between that and the general business of buccaneering, boredom was no longer an issue. 

Then, the day arrived when Captain Roberts called Bucky to his cabin, ostensibly ‘to have a look at’ him. Bucky wasn’t sure what that meant. Maybe it meant he’d be dead soon--or worse. But he was surprised to find the pirate captain quite amiable, and not remotely like the dreaded cut-throat his reputation had made him out to be. That night, Bucky beat the captain in a game of checkers. The next day, he was promoted to cabin boy. At the captain’s side, Bucky learned more about being a pirate than he could have imagined in his wildest dreams.

 

*

 

Tony’s second heart was sort of a give-away. He’d fallen for this steaming hot fishtail who’d said he was willing to experiment with pods. But then Mr. Perfect had gotten caught up in a fisherman’s net. Sexually. After the fact, Tony told himself he really should have known better. Mers that beautiful never went for pods like him. 

He stayed far away from fishtails _and_ landhuggers after that. They could go and live their perfect Hans Christian Andersen lives together for all he cared.

 

*

 

Captain Roberts wasn’t old, but he’d had enough of the pirating life. He had a wife and kids and a good chunk of treasure tucked away on a nice island in the Caribbean. So he trained Bucky to impersonate him, grooming Bucky to take over as captain. Bucky protested at first; he was no pirate to begin with, much less one of the most infamous pirates to sail the seven seas. But Captain Roberts said that didn’t matter. He himself had learned how to be captain from the previous Captain Roberts, who’d learned it from the previous Captain Roberts, and all of a sudden the legends of the pirate with a thousand special skills started to make a little more sense to Bucky. 

“Only--the thing is, captain.” Bucky wasn’t quite sure how to say it. “With all due respect, I don’t really  _ want _ to be a murdering pirate.”

The Dread Pirate Roberts gave Bucky a thoughtful look. “Have you ever felt unsafe aboard the Falcon?” he asked Bucky.

Bucky thought about it. “Well...no.”

“Have you ever felt poorly-treated here or in my company?”

“Well...no.” All of a sudden Bucky’s argument fell to pieces.

The captain smiled at him, and it was a kind, gap-toothed smile. “You can be any kind of pirate captain you want to be. Hell, rescue kittens if that’s your thing. Just keep the legend alive, you know? Spread the tales of our exploits whenever you’re in port, just like the crew showed you.”

Bucky was nodding; he could do that. “But--” He had to make one last-ditch effort to avoid his fate. “We don’t...look the same.”

“Now that’s just silly,” the captain told him. “We all bleed red, and who’s to say if the Dread Pirate Roberts has golden skin or brown skin, or is just a very unwashed pasty tan?”

Bucky supposed that was fair. Baths were rare on the high seas.

 

*

 

Tony’s third heart--the important one--wasn’t broken, it was torn from his chest. Literally. 

He’d been tracking the thug that had murdered his father for decades; not because he felt the need to prove himself, or because he actually missed Howard or anything. It was for his mom. His mother had pined herself to death over that stupid old fartfish, and Tony had to pin the blame on someone who was still alive.

But when he started digging, the hole got deeper. And deeper. The thug wasn’t just a hit-shark. He’d been a pawn in a game of chess Tony hadn’t even realized was being played. And just when he did get an inkling of how far the whole conspiracy went, it was too late.  

Sneaking into Hydra’s top secret Mariana Trench base was easy for Tony--pods could squeeze through the smallest openings. And he’d been curious. Rumor had it Hydra was keeping an actual hydra there. So of course Tony had had to see for himself.

The hydra was a six-headed plesiosaur of Greek myth. Even naiads knew they weren’t real. So it was with some skepticism that Tony took in the so-called hydra of Hydra, a giant cephalopod with only six pods.  _ As if. _

“Don’t look now,” Tony told it, “but I think you’re a couple arms short of a full deck.” He didn’t have time to laugh at his own joke. Hydra’s weapons were more advanced than mere shark minions.


	2. Inigo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While practicing being a pirate, Bucky meets the world's best swordsperson. Rhodey teaches Tony that lost treasure from the human realm can be useful.

Bucky didn’t feel terribly confident as the captain. So the real captain--or the soon-to-be have-been real captain--let Bucky experiment a little on his own during shore leave. He sent Bucky out in the trademark mask to let him try the legend on for size. 

But Bucky was just a cabin boy. He was much more likely to huddle alone in the corner of a bar than start a proper legendary brawl. The captain told him to wear his confidence like a cloak. If he was feeling meek, he should just pretend to be spying on everyone in the bar from the corner, but subtly, as though he didn’t really care about their business. Bucky had to try it a few times before he got the demeanor just right. 

On one such occasion, he turned around to find a curly mop of hair lying face down on the table at his elbow. Funny, he hadn’t noticed anyone when he’d sat down an hour ago. Bucky kept the snoring mop in the corner of his eye as he continued to watch the denizens of the bar. He was just putting his coin on the table to leave when a bold man brandishing a rapier burst into the tavern.

“Where is the greatest swordsman in the country? I’ve come to challenge him and show him for the fool he is!” After a moment, everyone quietly pointed at Bucky.

Well, he was shocked. Bucky hadn’t even realized he’d been recognized by not one but every last person in the tavern. So much for subtlety. He rose slowly, tossing his cloak back over one shoulder. “Whoever you are, I have no quarrel with you. I suggest you sheathe your blade and leave, lest you--”

“Not you, idiot,” the man said. “Her.”

Bucky looked back to find the mop of hair standing now--though it was with a drunken wobble--and brandishing a sword he’d somehow missed in the hour they’d been sitting next to one another.

“Hello. My name is America Chavez. You killed my mothers. Prepare to die.”

“What?” The challenger looked startled. “No I didn’t! What are you talking about?”

Demands for a duel broke out all around the tavern. “Fight!”

“Go on! Fight him!” One woman threw food as a strange sort of encouragement/deterrent.

In two strides, America swiftly disabled her opponent by cutting his belt. The heckling intensified as his pants fell around his ankles.

When the man tripped out of the bar, trying to hold his pants up and hold his sword at the same time, America did not pursue him. “You’re quite adept with that sword,” Bucky observed. “Have you ever considered becoming a pirate?”

“Do pirates drink for free?” she asked, tilting dangerously to the left.

“I feel certain we could come to an arrangement, if you’d agree to teach me what you know.”

“Free drink, and you have yourself a deal, Zoro,” she agreed before passing out.

America Chavez was a legend so legendary, most who’d heard her name thought she was dead. Even the old captain agreed Bucky had found quite the addition to their crew.

 

*

 

Without Rhodey, Tony wouldn’t have survived. Sure, he still had two hearts, but Hydra had taken the big one, and it was sort of important. All his life, Rhodey had been into dinglehoppers and snarfblats and all manner of wonders from the fathoms above. Unlike Tony, Rhodey thought landhuggers were keen. He’d studied their marvelous inventions and taken them apart and put them back together again until he could make his own mer-velous inventions. Tony had always teased him for it, but the day Hydra took Tony’s heart, Rhodey’s inventions saved Tony’s life. 

After that, Tony had had to know everything, studying at Rhodey’s side night and day. Together, they built better and better pumps to replace Tony’s missing heart. When Pepper’s exploration of sunken treasure ships yielded a blue gem the size of his fist, Tony built an attachment that made his mechanical heart glow sapphire, and then he didn’t have a hole in his chest anymore.

Rhodey told Tony he couldn’t take Pepper away from him just because she’d managed to fill the hole in his heart. But Rhodey needn’t have worried. Tony was happy with just the gem. He’d learned his lesson about heartbreak tides and tides ago.


	3. Fezzik

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and America save Bruce and Betty from an angry mob.

The gentle giant had been forced to fight again for the amusement of those smaller than himself, and this time, in an even crueler manner than usual. “No, Betty! Help!” 

Bucky and America found him smashing the walls of his wattle and daub cottage in an attempt to reach his pet before everything was consumed in flame. True to form, the villagers sat on the hillside, eating their dinners on picnic blankets by the light of the house fire. Boredom could turn ugly very quickly in hamlets like this. Go a few months without a hanging and people took matters into their own hands.

“We should help this large man,” America said.

“I wholeheartedly agree.” Bucky wrapped himself carefully in his handy holocaust cloak before diving through a window. There was a bird cage inside. He could see no other pets. “Is this your Betty?” he asked the large man, as America ran in with the hose from the water pump.

“Betty!” The large man clutched both cage and chicken with relief.

“Do we still care about the fire?” America asked.

“Have you ever given any thought to piracy as a vocation?” Bucky asked the large man.

“Will it teach the villagers a lesson?” he asked.

“Yes, I think we can arrange that,” Bucky said.

“Then I’m pleased to make your acquaintance,” the man said, extending a boulder-sized fist. “My name is Bruce. But angry mobs usually refer to me as the Hulk.”

“That sounds terribly rude of them,” Bucky said.

“I tend to agree.”

“My name is America.”

“You sound like a poet,” Bruce told her.

“I do? Most people just call me Spaniard and drunk.”

“People can be so unkind.” Bruce’s frown lines spoke volumes.

“Quite. Would the two of you care to get things started while I retrieve the crew?” Bucky asked.

Bruce considered America, thoughtful. “May I throw you at someone?”

She beamed up at him. “This sounds like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”


	4. The Entrance Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's war against Hydra is going swimmingly--until he gets captured. America, Bruce, and Bucky to the rescue!

Strangely, Tony’s near-death experience with Hydra only made him more determined to find them and take them down. With Rhodey’s and Pepper’s help, Tony built ingenious weapons that Hydra was no match for.

No one under the sea wanted Hydra running things. Once Tony proved he could defeat them, the intel came streaming in. Before they knew it, Hydra was on the run. Tony chased them to the depths. He chased them into the shallows. He literally blew them out of the water.

The mysterious fathoms below became a different place, and still, Tony wasn’t happy. Because he knew Hydra was still out there. Maybe they’d gone sand-side, but that didn’t mean they weren’t planning a comeback. And as long as Hydra existed, Tony refused to rest.

But Rhodey begged him to reconsider. The undersea was safe now, and Rhodey was taking time off to be with Pepper. They were expecting fry. Tony understood his reasoning, sort of. But his own restlessness wouldn’t quit. He could do it alone, he told himself. He had the tools, the brains, the hearts--well, mostly.

That was how Tony ended up Hydra’s captive.

“Jarvis, go, get help!” Sure, Tony could get out of these manacles eventually, but then there was the problem of escaping this cell and fighting his way past an army of Hydra goons without a weapon...

 

*

 

“He says his friend needs help,” Bruce said, after tilting his head to one side, apparently listening carefully to the tiny hermit crab perched on his thumb. 

“How do you know it’s a he?” America asked.

“Where on earth did you learn to speak crab?” Bucky asked.

“It’s a long story,” Bruce said, which was what Bruce always said in answer to these sorts of questions. “Should we help him?”

“I don’t see why not,” Bucky said. They’d just been trolling the docks for something to do. Shore leave wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

“America _ yes _ !” America said. “I’m bored.”

“He said his friend is in that big warehouse in a secret basement.” Bruce let the crab scuttle into his shirt pocket for safety.

“A secret basement?” Bucky said. “That sounds promising.”

“Can I swing in on the rope this time?” America asked. They had a running bet as to whether or not the music would play for her if she did.

It was a strange phenomenon. Bucky never really planned to swing into rooms or battles or dinner parties on a rope. But he often found himself doing so. And when he did, an upbeat, daring sort of swashbuckling music would play. He couldn’t explain it. Bruce said some things in the universe were just inexplicable by modern science. But that never sat well with Bucky. “You’re welcome to try,” he told her.

The warehouse was full of villainous types. It took all three of them to get through them all, and they were far too busy for any rope-swinging. At first.

 

*

 

Tony had just about squeezed his thumb out of the right manacle when out of nowhere, a brass band blared a daring tune. A moment later, a man in black swung into his dungeon chamber on a rope. It made no logical sense. The rope didn’t seem to be attached to anything, and there were no musicians to be seen. “If you’re trying to impress me,” Tony drawled, ignoring the rapid beating of his hearts, “you failed.” 

“I’m here to rescue you!” the man in black declared, making a three-point landing in simply stunning suede boots. Tony didn’t even have feet like that and he was a bit jealous.

“I don’t need rescuing,” Tony told him, bluffing for no reason he could explain other than this masked man rubbed him the wrong way. “But thanks for the music.”

“I swear I don’t know where it comes from,” Bucky apologized. Right before a bolt of blue light shot him through the far wall.

Tony was as surprised as Bucky was. There was a man in a uniform standing over him--well, sort of a man. Something seemed to have happened to his face; he was wearing his skull on the outside of his skin. It made Tony physically nauseated to look at.

“A true octo-mer this time,” the skull-head man snarled in a heavily-accented, nasal voice. “The wizard will be most pleased.” He turned on his heel, telling the henchman facing Tony, “Take him apart. It will make transportation easier, and we don’t need him alive.”

Tony had no time to think before the men drew their swords and started hacking his tentacles to pieces.

“And take care of the man in black. Leave no witnesses,” the commander told them over Tony’s screams.

 

*

 

“How the hell did I get here?” Bucky wondered aloud. One minute, he’d been standing in a rather suspicious dungeon cell with a merman, and the next he was standing in a darkened cell of his own. He walked to the door to see if it would open, and it did. “These guys suck at holding captives.” But it played to his advantage. Bucky stepped out into the hall just as the screaming began. 

 

*

 

“Someone’s in trouble,” Bruce said to America as they fought back to back, surrounded by enemies. 

“What was your first clue?” America asked him. “The screaming?”

“Well, first it was the crab, but the screaming is hard to ignore.”

“Let’s go!” Bruce threw America at part of the circle of Hydra goons, breaking it, and the two of them sprinted toward the sounds of distress.

 

*

 

It was the worst thing Bucky had ever seen. Two men were hacking at the merman’s body with their swords, turning his translucent red tentacles into mincemeat. “Hold where you stand!” he bellowed in his most piratey voice. “The next man who harms the prisoner will taste my blade!” That didn’t seem to intimidate them as much as Bucky might have hoped. While one of the dastardly foes rushed him, the other grabbed the prisoner by his hair and held a blade to the merman’s throat. 

  
  


Fearing the worst, Bucky disarmed the first man with his hook, dispatching him quickly. As to the second...he only had one chance. That poor injured creature… Bucky had never used his horse pistol before, but there was a time and place for everything. The man looked positively startled when Bucky dropped the hook to reveal a perfectly viable left hand, which proceeded to shoot him dead.

Bucky ran to the wounded prisoner’s side. “Holy Christ!” There was so much blood. Half of the merman’s limbs had been cut clean off. “I am not going to pass out,” Bucky told himself firmly, right before he passed out.

Fortunately, the ceiling caved in just then, and Bruce landed on Bucky, waking him up. “I think you’re sitting on the captain.” America’s voice was faint through all the dust and plywood.

“Again?” he heard Bruce ask. “The odds of my landing on him again are astronomical.”

“You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

“A little help, please,” Bucky interrupted, at which point both of them apologized and dug him out from underneath Bruce’s bum. “I propose we free the captive and retreat back to the ship,” Bucky said. “Somewhere nearby is a man with a strange weapon.”

“I like strange weapons,” America said.

Bucky was helping Bruce staunch the poor merman’s bleeding, drawing on Bruce’s seemingly endless supply of handkerchiefs. “This one puts people through walls.”

“I’m listening,” she said.

“What I mean is, we’ll need a strategy to combat such a weapon.” America looked disappointed.

“I can hear them coming back,” Bruce said. His ears were the most sensitive.

“I’ll carry him,” Bucky said. “Will the two of you--er…”

“Pick up the extra bits?” America offered. Bucky felt faint again. Bruce slapped him.

“Thank you.” Bucky blinked away the dizziness and carefully wrapped his arms around the merman’s torso. He was a bit slimy, but Bucky supposed that wasn’t really his fault. “Pardon me,” he said, because it seemed forward to put your arms around someone without having first asked permission, even in a crisis.

“Don’t touch me,” Tony said weakly, but by then, he had no real strength to protest. At least he had Jarvis back. The hermit crab had crawled down the giant’s arm and taken up residence in Tony’s hair once more.

“It’s bad manners to lash out at one’s rescuer, Anthony,” Jarvis chided.

“I do apologize,” Bucky said, trying to ignore how muscular the torso pressed against him was. “But we can’t leave you here. You’ll die.”

“Fine,” Tony told Jarvis. “But I don’t have to like it.”

“No,” Bucky said, thinking Tony was speaking to him. “I suppose not.”

A wall of enemy combatants later, and the four of them were racing down the dock, Bruce pushing their new friend in a small wagon, hidden underneath a tarp. “What are we going to do now?” America asked. “It’ll take a miracle for him to survive.”

“Fortunately,” Bucky said, “I know where we might procure just such a thing.”

“Miracle Maximoff!” Bruce looked excited.

“To the forest!” Bucky declared.

“For pirates, don’t you think we do a lot of running around?” America asked.


	5. A Miraculous Bargain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and the pirates go to Miracle Maximoff for help. Can they convince the cantankerous old man to save Tony's severed limbs? And who is this royal wizard he's so sore about?

The trip to the forest was long and hot. They kept having to stop to give the merman water, though each time he claimed to be fine and to not need their help. And each time they raised the tarp to the overwhelming scent of rotting fish, Bucky would look inside at the pool of blood in which their rescue-ee was sitting and become sick again. 

“Love you, too, crabcake,” Tony would reply, glibly, with no small amount of audible malice.

“Mind your manners, Anthony,” Jarvis scolded.

“Sorry,” Bucky gasped, choking back bile. “I’m really--I’m usually better at this sort of thing.”

“Just shut up and get on with it. I’m a busy pod.” The merman oozed nothing like gratitude, but Bucky wasn’t doing it for the thanks. Or the pretty face, though the merman had quite a lovely one. Bucky tried not to become distracted. All mer-people were said to be attractive. Right?

“You’re in a hurry to die?” Bruce asked Tony, as if he were taking notes on the merman’s response.

“Maybe he’s trying psyche us out,” America suggested.

Bruce shook his head sadly. “I think he’s dying.”

“Hurry!” Bucky said, covering Tony with the tarp again. “We don’t have time for this.” Talk of the merman dying made him distinctly uncomfortable.

And so it went. Until finally the three of them were standing in front of a modest cottage, under the arching boughs of oak and cypress trees.

“Is it a dump, or is it just me?” America observed.

“It’s not you,” Bruce agreed.

“Come on,” Bucky scolded them. “We may be pirates, but that’s no call to forget our manners.”

“I like him,” Jarvis declared, to much eye-rolling from Tony.  

“We’re here to ask for their help, after all,” Bucky said.

“Sorry, Captain.” Bruce was always striving to be his best self.

“I reserve the right to judge later, then.” America was not humble by nature.

“Polite pirates. Yeah, right.” Tony was still eye-rolling. Why was Jarvis acting like the man in black was some kind of model landhugger? With his stupid strong arms and his stupid tight pants--

Bucky shushed them. “With some luck, this will all be over soon.” And with that, he steeled himself and rapped on the door.

“Go away!” a grumpy voice called from inside. “We don’t want any.”

“We’re not salespeople,” Bruce said, confused.

“We’re pirates!” America added loudly, helpful.

“Then we definitely don’t want any!”

It threw Bucky off. This was not how he’d planned on introducing their party. “It’s not that we’re pirates, exactly--that is, we’re not here as pirates, we’re here as clients--”

“Sorry, no clients today,” the grumpy voice told them.

“Oh, papa, at least find out what they want.” A woman’s voice. The Dread Pirate Roberts enjoyed a great deal of success with women. Bucky smoothed his shirt and adjusted his mask.

“Fine!” A small panel in the door opened, revealing keen grey eyes and an impressive unibrow. “What do you want?”

“Good day to you, Sir.” Bucky made what he hoped was a respectful bow. “We come to you in dire need of assistance. You see, our friend has suffered grievous injuries--”

“I’m not your friend!” came the merman’s voice from under the tarp.

“You need a doctor,” the man inside sneered. “He’s just down the road, three miles, take a left at the swamp.” And then, more softly, “But if you ask me, you’re better off just jumping into the swamp than asking that old fraud for help!” And the panel snapped shut, leaving the three of them staring at the door once more.

“My apologies,” Bucky raised his voice. “I’ve not been clear, you see, we’ve come seeking a miracle worker, not a doctor--”

“If you don’t scram in five seconds, I’m gonna throw hot oil on you!”

“But, papa, what if they really need our help?”

“Then let them go see Charles and stop interrupting our dinner!”

“Er--excuse me--madam, do I understand I’m addressing the lady of the house?” Bucky thought he might have more luck with the woman inside.

“Now you’re after my daughter? I’m not gonna tell you again!”

Some pirate-instinct made Bucky duck when the panel slammed open a second time, and it was just as well, because a flying gob of spittle sailed over his head and landed on the toe of America’s boot. “Phooey, I tell you! Suitors with no manners!”

“You should be so lucky I’m here to woo your daughter!” America shouted, angrily.

“I think it’s time we all take a deep breath--” Bruce was in charge of keeping everyone calm.

“Break down the door!” America was telling him. “I’ll show him who’s here for his daughter!”

“What is this man supposed to be able to do?” the merman asked. Bucky started, not having seen him push back the tarp. If he had, maybe he would have known better than to stare directly into the merman’s eyes, which were the color of dawn...

“W-well--he’s a miracle worker,” Bucky said.

“No, I’m not. I’m retired!” They seemed to be providing entertainment for the man inside, at least.

“What is that? Like a sea witch?” Tony asked.

“A sea what?” Bucky couldn’t stop staring at those amazing eyes. Which was probably rude.

“Oh, he probably doesn’t have any powers at all. You duopods are just pathetic,” Tony said. Being around landhuggers was bringing up a lot of old feelings from his second heartbreak.

“How dare you!” An old man burst out of the cottage, incensed--until his eyes fell on the merman. “What are you, crazy? Get inside, now!” Neither the cart nor Bruce would fit through the front door, but fortunately there was a larger entrance at the back of Maximoff’s workshop.

“So, you’re a merman,” the miracle worker observed. Bucky wondered what Max’s wild white hair would look like without the metal helmet on. And who wore a metal helmet in their own home?

“You’re not really gonna pay this fraud any shells, are you?” Tony asked Bucky.

“Well, if he can help--”

“No, no. I don’t want money.” Bucky would have doubted his motives if the young woman--he assumed it was Maximoff’s daughter--hadn’t been working hard to bandage up the merman’s severed limbs since the moment they’d rolled him in.

“You don’t?” Bruce asked in disbelief.

“Are you a jesuit?” America asked Maximoff, suspicious.

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Maximoff flapped his arms, and his long sleeves waggled. “Do I look Catholic to you?--don’t answer that.” Apparently he’d already drawn his own conclusions about their intellectual capacity.

“He wants something else.” The merman seemed to know. “Not money.” Tony glanced at the quiet redhead bandaging his tentacles. “Maybe his daughter needs a husband?” Bucky found himself blushing, which was odd. No woman had made him nervous since the first one.

Jarvis crawled out onto Tony’s ear to get a better look at the woman. He could feel Jarvis’ hope building that Tony had finally found love. She looked like a sweet terra-maid, but nothing stirred in Tony at the sight of her. He just wished that damned pirate wouldn’t stand so close to him. It was making Tony’s cups curl.  _ Stupid pirate. _

“Again with the daughter and the marrying. You keep your pirate paws off her,” Maximoff said.

“It would appear the landfolk are particularly protective of their daughters,” Jarvis remarked in Tony’s ear.

“We’re very sorry,” Bruce apologized to the daughter in question. “It’s been a long day.”

She smiled demurely and kept working. “Papa, just tell them.”

Maximoff whirled on her. “Have I taught you nothing? This is how we make a deal! If it was up to you, we’d live in a hollowed out tree and eat dirt!”

She sighed, looking at Bruce. “He’s very dramatic.”

“I can see that.”

“So what do you want?” Tony asked. He had no time for duopod shenanigans. Hydra was still out there, harming the innocent. And he could see the only way he was going to rid himself of this stupid clingy pirate would be to return to the sea. “And what makes you think we’ll pay you anything, now that the work’s already half done?” The girl worked fast, and it wasn’t just her hands; she had powers. Tony could feel his severed ganglia again. At this rate, he might be back to full brain power by nightfall.

“A keen negotiation tactic, Sir.” Jarvis knew Tony was bluffing. He’d raised Howard’s son better than to leave debts unpaid.

Maximoff looked smug. “You’ll pay me because your dread pirate friend’s an honest man. Just look at this face.” He smooshed Bucky’s face with one hand, causing the pirate’s lips to protrude comedically. “Pathetic.”

“He is,” Tony agreed. “But what does that have to do with me?” He tried to calculate how far they’d come in the wagon. If he took it, he might be able to roll himself back to the sea in a day.

“The payment,” Maximoff leered. “A merman’s tail is worth a miracle, wouldn’t you say?”

“Now see here!” The man in black got very huffy. Tony didn’t see why; it wasn’t his tail to give.

Still, Tony narrowed his eyes at the old man. “I don’t have a tail.”

“No,” Maximoff said. “But you do have a few pieces that might not be worth the effort to reattach...”

“You want a piece of me.” Of course he did. Duopods were so predictable.

“Piece of you?” the giant looked horrified, clutching his chicken.

“You gonna fight the old man?” America was always eager for a fight.

“I’ve heard eating the flesh of a mermaid can give one immortality,” Bucky said slowly, looking green. Both of the pirates glanced at their captain, duly horrified.

“That’s just an old wives’ tale,” the miracle worker scoffed.

“Whose old wife?” America wanted to know.

“Please, try a latke,” Maximoff offered her a plate. “Maybe it’ll help you stop talking. As I was about to say, mer-parts are useful for all kinds of things. You take that rotten queen, for example.”

“Which one?” America was proving she could continue to ask questions even with her mouth full.

“Which one? We only have the one! And what does she need miracles for now? She’s got a wizard.”

“A wizard?”

“Clean out your ears!” the old man shouted at Bruce. “It’ll keep me from having to repeat myself.”

“Papa…”

“No! Apox on that royal wizard. A cheap magician in a fancy costume. That’s all he is.”

“But the Heart…” His daughter seemed willing to give more information than Maximoff was.

“Sure, he’s got the Heart of the Ocean to control people’s minds, make them his puppets. That castle needs a union, if you ask me!”

“Heart of the Ocean?” Tony’s attention was no longer on his rapidly healing tentacles. “Where’d he come up with a thing like that?”

“Sea World! How the hell should I know?”

But the wheels in Tony’s mind were already turning. The swordswoman seemed interested in a different part of the story. “This wizard--where is he from? Florin has never had a wizard before.”

“That’s the thing: one day, he just appears out of nowhere, out of thin air. Don’t take my word for it.” Maximoff looked at his daughter. “Wanda was there.”

His daughter wrung her hands. “He does that a lot: just appears in a place he wasn’t before. He can also change into a horse, a snake...many animals.”

America’s brow drew down. “Does he wear a gold helmet with horns on his head?”

“You know the guy?” Maximoff asked in surprise.

America turned to Bucky and Bruce then, and she was as serious as they’d ever seen her. “My friends. Our acquaintance has meant much to me. But now I must go to meet my destiny.” And with no more explanation than that, she strode out of the cottage and into the forest.

“America, wait!” Bruce looked at Bucky, feeling helpless.

“Thank you very much for your miraculous help,” Bucky told the Maximoffs in a rush. “But I’m afraid we must be going.”

“Where’s she going?” Tony asked. “To the castle? I’m going, too!” He swept up into the cart and began propelling himself forward with his newly-healed tentacles, looking like a strange sculling crew. He was even faster than Bucky and Bruce, who were running after America on foot.

“Have fun storming the castle!” Maximoff called from the doorway. And then, more quietly to Wanda, he said, “They’ll be dead by sundown.”


	6. Eldritch Horror Backpack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and the pirates storm the castle only to become quickly separated. Bucky finds himself alone with the queen and her royal wizard, to his peril. Bruce and Tony run into Red Skull and his tesseract gun.

It took them the better part of the afternoon to catch up with America. Apparently destiny kept a tight schedule. 

“If you came to stop me,” she said. “Just know nothing can stop me now.”

“We’re not trying to stop you!” Bucky said, still chasing after her. “We want to help you! Aren’t we a team?”

She stopped. “For the last two years, we have been. But sadly, this is where our team ends.”

“But why?” Bruce asked. “No one should have to meet their destiny alone.”

“Everyone meets their destiny alone,” America insisted.

“Okay, but how do you intend to get past the castle gates?” Bucky asked, knowing America was not a big one for plans.

“My plan is to punch  _ everything _ .”

“Right, but I don’t think it’s going to be that easy to get into the castle,” Bucky pointed out. “Because it’s...you know. A castle.”

“I agree with Bucky,” Bruce said.

“Your name is Bucky?” Tony asked. “That’s stupid.”

America paused. “What kind of plan are you thinking? Like throw a giant shark through the front gates?”

“Well, no.” Bucky had so many questions about her thought process.

“You can’t throw a shark,” Tony said derisively.

“Yes I can!” America turned on him. “I’ll show you. ….After I kill the horned wizard.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “If we work together...” The merman had a particularly musical voice, Bucky noticed. It demanded one listen. “We can get you past the gates easily, and  **then** you can meet your destiny alone.”

“Is he part of our team now?” America asked Bucky, suspicious.

“If he wishes to be,” Bucky said, glancing at Tony with a glimmer of hope tickling the inside of his chest.

“For now,” the merman shrugged, noncommittal, in a gesture that was both curt and elegant.

_ Stop staring, Bucky. _

“I’m Bruce.” Bruce stepped forward to shake Tony’s hand, obviously seeing it was time for introductions. “You know the captain, and this is America.”

“Feisty little country,” the merman said.

“There is nothing little about America,” America insisted. She turned to Bucky. “Captain. You’re the plan-maker. So what’s our plan?”

“Okay, let me think.” Between America and the merman, he was having more difficulty than usual.

“But what’s your name?” Bruce asked the merman, not having missed the omission.

Bruce was smarter than he looked, Tony thought. He’d have to keep an eye on this one. “Tony,” he said, shrugging, reluctant to share anything with treacherous duopods. And why wouldn’t the man in black stop staring at him? It was making Tony’s cups curl. With his stupid blue eyes. And his stupid muscular chest showing through the v-neck of his silk shirt...

“What would scare away a small army?” Bucky pondered.

“A giant shark.” America had a one track mind.

“Fire?” Bruce suggested.

“An Eldritch horror,” Tony said.

“A what?” Bucky was so curious about life under the surface of his beloved ocean. But the word ‘horror’ made him nervous.  

“Just follow my lead,” Tony said, pushing the cart forward with his tentacles. They all paused for a moment, watching him.

“You know, that is actually quite terrifying,” America observed.

“Just add fire,” Bruce suggested.

So they did.

 

*

 

“I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!” The castle’s battlements were suddenly full of soldiers scrambling to get away from the nightmare vision that was Bruce sitting in the front of the cart with Tony behind, waving his tentacles about. Also, in the time they’d taken to put Bruce in the holocaust cloak and set him on fire, the merman had somehow engineered a gun that shot flame. That took care of the rest of the soldiers. 

“You’ve been very useful,” America told them on the drawbridge, saluting Bucky. “It’s been an honor serving with you, captain.”

“Wait!” Bucky called out, but she was already gone.

“She seems determined to meet her destiny alone,” Bruce said, standing very still while Tony used moat-water to put out the flames on his shoulders. It seemed there was nothing his tentacles couldn’t do.

“What kind of friends would we be if we let her face her destiny alone?” Bucky asked.

“Whatever,” Tony said. “Just get me inside.” It took Bruce time to affix Tony to his back like an Eldritch backpack. Too much time. Bucky couldn’t let America face a wizard alone, so he ran ahead.

 

*

 

The queen stood in her war room, trying to decide which neighboring country to invade first. When the alarms sounded, she looked up at her general, annoyed. “Go do your job.” 

“But there were no reports of an invading army!” He looked indignant.

The royal wizard was gazing through a magic portal he’d summoned, enjoying the chaos at the front gates. “Well, this looks fun.”

“Do. Your. Job.” Queen Giuletta punctuated each word by poking the general’s chest. “Why is your special weapon not on the ramparts?”

“You expect me to leave it in the hands of those idiots?”

The queen sighed. It was so hard to get good help these days. She smiled at him, charming. “Do I need to harm you?”

“No, Majesty.” Schmidt saluted, and double-timed it out of the room.

 

*

 

America was hard to keep up with, but Bucky did his best. At least until they came to the first landing of the seemingly endless castle stairs. Then he was struck by a familiar blue bolt of light, and found himself in a very different location. As he glanced around at all the trophies on the walls, Bucky started to wish he’d been blasted into another prison cell instead. 

“Well hello,” a deep feminine voice purred. “And who might you be?”

When he turned, Bucky really didn’t know what to say. The woman might have been beautiful--in fact, she probably was--but she was wearing a golden mask over her entire face. And that...was a little off-putting. “Ah--” It took him far too long to recover from the sight of her. “The Dread Pirate Roberts. At your service.” Bucky swept a courteous bow.

“A pirate? Wizard, do I have a pirate in my service yet?”

“I don’t believe so.”

Bucky glanced over at the speaker, a thin weasel of a man with greasy hair and the devil’s own eyes staring back at him. “Good god,” Bucky blurted. “You’re the horned wizard.”

The wizard glanced back at his mistress sardonically. “He appears to be a genius, my lady.”

Bucky nearly jumped out of his skin when the masked woman wrapped her sensuous silken figure around him possessively. “Well  **I** like him.”

_ Oh god, the eyes inside that mask...  _ Were they human? “I’m terribly flattered,” Bucky said, carefully backing out of her embrace.

“I don’t think he likes you.” The wizard pouted. It was like they were playing a game with him.

“I’m sure that’s not true.” The queen slid an arm around Bucky’s shoulders again. “Tell him it’s not true,” she said, turning to look at Bucky, face to mask.

Was it possible to smell bad breath through gold? Bucky wondered. The feeling of revulsion was growing. “Though I have only just made your acquaintance,” Bucky began, trying to side-step out of her embrace again, “I feel every lady deserves to be treated with courtesy, at the very least.”

“Courtesy,” the wizard sneered.

When Bucky moved, she moved with him, not letting him escape her grasp a second time. “Would you like to help me conquer the continent?” she asked, her tone the same as if she were inviting him into her bed. “Be my right hand man?”

“Conquest was never really my thing,” Bucky began. 

“He doesn’t sound like much of a pirate.” The wizard sounded disapproving.

“Perhaps he doesn’t have to be,” the queen said. “Let’s have a look under that mask, shall we?” And she reached to remove the dread pirate’s trademark.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that,” Bucky said, gently gripping her wrist before her fingers could touch the mask.

“He’s right.” And there was real pain in her voice. “You don’t like me.”

“Why that’s not--”

“But you will,” she finished with malice.

Something metal poked Bucky in the chest. It was cold. He looked down to find the wizard’s staff jabbing at his sternum. Was that supposed be a threat? But then Bucky was distracted by something beautiful set into the knob of the staff. Something that looked like the Caribbean on a sunny day, and felt like love…

 

*

 

Bruce and Tony were not too far behind the captain when they saw him disappear in a flash of blue light. Tony wasn’t sure what to think. There were blast marks where the stupid pirate had just been standing. “He’s not--” Not that Tony cared, honestly. It was one less duopod to worry about. “Is he dead?” 

“I don’t think so,” Bruce said thoughtfully, sprinting up the stairs with Tony on his back. “This happened to him once before. He said it just sent him to a different location.” 

“Oh.” Tony wasn’t sure what these feelings of relief were. “Well that’s stupid.”

“It’s not his fault,” Bruce explained. Then the time for explanations was over, because the man with his skull on the outside of his face was standing on the landing above them. Unfortunately for him, the sight of a two-headed giant with eight cephalopod arms and four flesh arms startled him for a split second too long, and he missed his shot.

Bruce plowed right through him, causing the cannon to tip over and trap Schmidt underneath it. “So long, skullhead!” Tony shouted at the flattened abomination as Bruce steamed ahead up the stairs. Jarvis let loose a tiny whoop of victory. Tony liked this new method of dealing with Hydra agents.


	7. Tea with Destiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> America confronts the wizard and her destiny with unexpected results. Bruce and Tony find Bucky in the queen's clutches. And they're going to need a bigger boat.

Up, up America went. And anyone she met who stood against her was quickly defeated. Until she finally reached the highest spire of the castle without having fulfilled her destiny. “Where is the horned wizard?!” Patience was not America’s strong suit, even on her best day. And this was not the best of days. 

“He’s in the war room with the queen,” a scullery maid said from behind a tapestry. 

“Thank you, fair lady!” America bowed. “And could you please direct me to the war room?”

And so it was through the kindness of women that America finally found the way to her destiny. Before her, a long table covered in maps dominated the room. And at the end of it, the horned wizard, holding tiny figures he’d picked up from the map--perhaps people he’d miniaturized through the use of his dark wizardry, she thought.

“Brother! I thought you were dead!” he was saying in a low, gravelly voice.

“That’s because you’re an idiot!” he replied to himself in a more high-pitched voice. “You’re too stupid to be king. Stand aside.”

America stepped into the room, gathering her strength. “Hello.” Her voice was not loud, but steady. “My name is America Chavez. You killed my mothers. Prepare to die.”

The man looked up. Considered her for a moment. And took off running at top speed.

America had been prepared for anything. But not that. She brandished her sword and took off in pursuit. The horned wizard was not going to get away. “Hello!” She pursued him down a flight of stairs. “My name is America Chavez!” And through a long and winding hall. “You killed my mothers!” Across a lovely cloister garden. “Prepare to die!” But the horned wizard showed no signs of stopping.

 

*

 

“The war room, you say?” Now that Tony had managed to tuck in his tentacles, the servants were being a bit more cooperative. 

“Although she usually takes tea in her solar,” another maid added, gawking, wide-eyed at Tony, who was giving her his best smolder. Okay, there was something to be said for terra-maids. No one in the mysterious fathoms below looked at Tony with awe anymore.

“You’re very kind,” Tony told her, resisting the urge to brush a tentacle across her cheek.

“And which way might the queen’s solar be?” Bruce asked, while Tony continued to flirt with any woman brave enough to meet his gaze.

Sadly for Tony, Bruce got the directions in short order, and then they were off again. “Wait.” Tony tried his best to reason with Bruce. “Why are we going after the queen? Shouldn’t we be looking for the wizard?”

“The wizard is likely to be with the queen,” Bruce pointed out. “But even if he’s not, we can ask her where the captain went.”

“Well I don’t care about that,” Tony grumped.

“Of course you don’t,” Bruce agreed. “But queens also have jewels. And so if we’re looking for this magical gem…”

“Okay, I get it. Kill three birds with one stone.”

“I could never!” Bruce said, petting Betty’s cage soothingly.

“You are a strange giant,” Tony said.

“And you’re a strange mermaid,” Bruce countered.

“I’m a cephalopod,” Tony sniffed. “We’re different.”

“An acute understatement,” Jarvis added.

But the time for peanut gallery comment was over. They’d reached the queen’s solar, and there she was, a beautiful woman wearing a gold mask, pouring tea for the man in black. “Where’s his mask?” Tony asked, peering over Bruce’s shoulder. At least, he thought it was the same man Bruce called captain. He had the same strong chest and long black hair and chiseled jaw, and--well, it didn’t really matter what he looked like. It had to be that stupid Bucky.

“I like him better without it,” the queen answered. Tony didn’t realise he’d spoken loud enough for her to hear. “He’s quite handsome, don’t you think?” She cupped Bucky’s chin, turning his face this way and that, as though admiring a trinket.

“Captain,” Bruce said, shocked to see Bucky without his mask. “Where’s America?”

“Somewhere to the west, I believe,” the queen answered, flicking her fingers with disinterest.

“Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, Sir,” Jarvis warned.

“Can’t he speak for himself?” Tony asked. Jarvis was right. There was something wrong here. A numbness in Bucky’s expression, a distance in his eyes, like the swell of a wave far out at sea.

“No.” The queen sipped her tea and wrinkled her nose, as though Tony had just suggested she eat snails. “I’m not a great fan of free will.” The queen glanced over at them for the first time. She didn’t seem terribly surprised by the sight of a giant with an octo-mer strapped to his back. “You’re looking for the wizard, I suppose.”

“I’m looking for my friends,” Bruce said.

“I’m gonna be honest: I don’t really care about his friends,” Tony said. Though he’d grown somewhat attached to Bruce, and not just literally.

“Good,” the queen said, turning to smile at the pirate by her side. “Because this one is mine now.”

“That doesn’t seem right,” said Bruce.

“Better you than me,” Tony said, refusing to feel sorry for the stupid duopod who’d failed to mind his own business, clearly to his own folly.

“Run along now,” she told them with a shooing motion. “I dislike having my tea interrupted.”

Bruce was having trouble deciding what to do next. From the furrow of his brow, he wasn’t content to just leave.

“Captain…” He approached the table, making one last plea to Bucky. “Do you really want to stay here?” What would the crew of the  _ Falcon  _ do without their captain?

“You may answer them,” the queen told Bucky.

“I do.” But Bucky’s expression didn’t change. There was no warmth in his voice, and it was giving Tony chills. “More than anything.”

“This is deeply disturbing,” Jarvis said, echoing Tony’s feeling.

“Why?” Bruce seemed to think he could talk the man out of having made a bad decision, but Tony knew an evil spell when he saw one. Obie had consulted the sea witch so many times before Tony finally defeated him. He slid from Bruce’s back and walked smoothly toward the tea setting, his tentacles swishing softly across the floor.

“Listen, dummy,” Tony said, tugging Bucky’s chair back so that they were face to face. “You’re hypnotized or something. Now I don’t really care about that, but it’s making Bruce sad, so cut it out.” Something cold and smelling vaguely of sulfur pressed against Tony’s temple.

“Let him go immediately,” the queen demanded.

“That’s a really big gun,” Bruce observed.

Being threatened with death was one way to make a tough decision.

 

*

 

Finally, America had the wizard cornered. “Perhaps we can discuss this.” He turned to face her with a nervous smile. 

“Hello.” She stepped forward with determination. “My name is America Chavez.”

“Yes, you keep saying that. I heard you the first time.”

“You killed my mothers. Prepare to die.”

“I’d rather not, honestly,” he said. But made no move to defend himself. “So what will you do? Skewer an unarmed man?”

America hadn’t prepared for that. She needed a confession from him first, at the very least. “Why did you kill them? Why?”

The wizard shrugged. “They were in my way.”

“So you murdered them?”

“I prefer to say they choked on their own self-righteous martyr complexes, but. Potato, potahto.”

“Then death to you!” She lunged forward, driving her sword through the villain’s solar plexus. America gasped. Why was there a sword protruding from her guts?

“Whoopsie,” the wizard smiled. “Looks like someone forgot whom they were fighting. Have fun dying.” And with that, he strolled away.


	8. Mostly-dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and Tony find America and take her back to Miracle Maximoff's to beg for help. While they wait for her to recover, Tony has time to do some soul-searching. Loki and the queen plan her wedding to Bucky, and his subsequent murder.

“I really don’t think we should have left the captain there,” Bruce was saying. 

“What, as the plaything of the queen?” Tony said. “He could do worse.” But he didn’t feel good about it either, he just refused to admit it.

“I find myself in full agreement with Master Bruce, Sir.”

“Thanks a lot, Jiminy. Say, you never told me you knew Batman.”

Bruce was not distracted by their comedy routine. “But what if she harms him?”

“Look, let’s just find the heart first,” Tony told him. Sometimes you had to re-prioritize. “Then we can discuss all our options.”

They found America crumpled at the foot of the stairs, impaled on her own sword.

“What villain could do such a thing?” Jarvis asked, shocked.  

“Is she alive!?” Bruce knelt down to check, but Tony had already done it. One advantage to having so many arms.

“Barely. So what’s the plan, Hodor?”

“The miracle worker!” Bruce knelt to scoop her up. There was always hope. “Maybe he can save her.”

“To the pushcart, boy wonder!”

  
  


*

 

“What am I gonna do with a dead body?” Maximoff asked.

“But you’re a miracle worker,” Bruce said, his face falling.

“Look, even if there was something I could do, how are you gonna pay me this time?”

Tony knew his spare calamari was worth far more than what the miracle worker had given them the last time. But he also knew something that would be worth more to Maximoff. “Her destiny is to kill the royal wizard.”

“Okay, let’s get to work.” So much for haggling.

And they did. By the end, America was awake and talking, but she wasn’t exactly in shape to fight any duels. That took another twenty four hours.

Tony made Bruce wheel him down to the swamp to get some fresh brackwater. He had a lot of time to think while America was getting un-dead. Too much time. Tony started to feel guilty about having left the man in black behind. He couldn’t say why (though Jarvis’ nagging no doubt contributed some).

Maybe he felt obligated to the captain for having saved his life on the docks. Maybe it was the doe eyes Bucky had given him when he’d thought Tony was dying. Maybe it was the way his silk pants hugged the muscular curve of his backside-- _ whatever _ . Tony could tell he was going to have to rescue that idiot if for no other reason than to allay his own guilt (and make Jarvis happy).

 

*

 

“I think he’ll make a lovely husband,” Queen Giuletta told the wizard. They were sitting in front of her enormous bedroom mirror, and she was brushing Bucky’s hair 100 strokes before bed. 

“Such a tragedy,” the wizard said. “To be kidnapped by Guilder, and die so young when you can’t pay the ransom.”

“I do like him, though,” the queen said, taking another look at her betrothed. “Just one more night. Come to bed, pet,” she told the pirate, leading him by the hand.  


	9. Pirates Assemble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda joins the crew to try and stop the royal wedding. Deadpool conducts the ceremony. Loki has a bad day.

When America was mostly alive again, Bruce came back to fetch Tony so that they could discuss what to do next. “I think we should go rescue the captain,” Bruce said.

“I must go kill the horned wizard,” America said.

“Yes, good. Let’s go get this over with. The low salinity of your water is making my tentacles break out,” Tony complained.

“Is that like if your butt has pimples?” America asked.

“Rude,” Tony scowled at her, using a tentacle to yoink one of America’s curls.

“I’ll come with you,” Wanda said.

“I don’t need anyone’s help,” the almost entirely-alive America insisted.

“It might be dangerous,” Bruce cautioned.

“She can move objects with her mind,” Tony pointed out. It was one of several disturbing new things they’d learned living at the miracle worker’s cottage for two days. “We’re taking the witch.”

“If one hair on her head gets hurt--” Maximoff began.

“I’ll marry her,” Tony said. “Got it.”

 

*

 

The wedding was a somber affair, held in the royal family’s private chapel with only 100 of the queen’s very close friends. There were no guests on the groom’s side, of course.

“Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what brings us together today...”

“Where did you find this priest?” the queen hissed at the wizard. “And why does his face look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado?”

“Me? I thought you’d found him!”

She rolled her eyes in annoyance as the impedimented clergyman continued. “That blessed event. That dweam within a dweam…” As the sounds of a battle at the gate began to drift into the chapel, the priest paused and turned to the fourth wall. “I just love this part!”

 

*

 

Outside the castle walls, Hydra was not doing well. Even the special cannon couldn’t do much against their army of four. At least, not after Wanda turned it on its own soldiers. 

Hydra goons began popping into the wedding ceremony unexpectedly in blue flashes of light. “Even if your love spins webs that take him far away from your affection, pursue him. Pursue your love across the skyscrapers of New York City,” the priest was saying.

“Get to the point,” the queen hissed at him. “Go faster!”

 

*

 

Finally the wizard appeared, hovering in the air over the ramparts. So Wanda shot him with the cannon. 

He reappeared, hovering over the moat. So Tony shot him with his modified blowtorch. But the flames hadn’t even reached the wizard before he disappeared again. “When he reappears, give him whatever you can lay your hands on,” Tony instructed them. “Guy like that probably hates getting his clothes ruined.”

When the wizard reappeared a moment later, even closer to them, they threw garbage. Well, not Tony. He slung mud with all eight tentacles.

“Why?!” No, the wizard didn’t seem to like that at all. He disappeared again.

And reappeared suddenly before them, touching the tip of his staff to Tony’s chest. It made a ‘tink” sound. Tony just stared at him. So the wizard tried again. ‘Tink.’

“You wanna try it again, David Blaine?” Tony asked him. “Third time’s the charm.” When the wizard reached for his artificial heart, Tony snatched the staff and slung him away easily, sending the little weasel sailing all the way back and into the moat with a soft ‘plop.’

“Hey!” America stepped forward. “It’s  **my** destiny to kill the horned wizard.”

“Come on,” Tony told her. “He can’t be dead. We’re not even halfway through the third act yet.”

America looked confused. “You think this is a play?”

“He does enjoy performing to an audience,” Jarvis said.

“Wait,” Tony said. “Am I the only one who got the full script?”

“He’s joking,” Bruce reassured America. “I think.”

Tony hid the wizard’s staff away in his coils, for safe-keeping. He could figure out how to get his heart out of it later. “What do you say we go rescue the captain while we wait for the climax of the story?”

“I thought you didn’t care about the captain,” Bruce said.

“I don’t,” Tony said, climbing the castle walls with only a little help from Wanda. “But I have completion issues. If I just left him behind, it’d bother me. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And for the rest of my life.”

“That sounds like an excuse,” Wanda said.

“That sounds like the wrong movie,” America said.

“That sounds like love,” Bruce said.

“Oh, what do you know anyway?” Tony grumped. There was an embrasure just a few feet above him, and he could fit through it. Tony was going to do it. “You should probably check on that bloody skull guy,” he shouted over his shoulder. “Make sure he isn’t plotting a third act comeback with his Hydra army.” They could handle that without Tony, right? There were three of them. That seemed like plenty enough to stop an army.

Once through the embrasure, Tony went exploring the castle in search of the captain. The only people he encountered were wedding guests, who ran the other way. Which was a little annoying, when he was trying to ask them questions. “Excuse me, have you seen--? Sorry, but I’m looking for a pirate…” Finally he met an intensely ugly man in a tall hat.

“You’re here to rescue Buttercup, aren’t you?” the ugly man said, doing an excited little dance.

“Who’s Buttercup?” Tony asked, somewhat nauseated by the sight of the man’s face.

“Bridal suite is that way,” the man said, pointing down the hall. “Can I come, too?”

“No.” Tony brushed past him.

“Okay, good, I’m gonna follow,” the man said, tossing away his tall hat and pulling on a red and black cowl.

“Be careful, Sir,” Jarvis warned, looking back at the man. “I think he may be unstable.”


	10. It's a Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony scales the castle walls to rescue Bucky. But when he finds Bucky, it's too late. Queen Giuletta tries to convince Tony that the two of them would make a great villain couple. When Tony turns her down, she orders Bucky to do the unthinkable.

The room at the end of the hall was enormous and opulently decorated. It also had bars instead of a door.  _ One of these things is not like the other. _ But bars weren’t stopping Tony. “Hey.” He called out to Bucky, who sat alone at the far end of the room. Tony squeezed through the bars like the clever cephalopod he was. “We’re here to rescue you. Or something.” 

But Bucky remained where he was, dressed in his wedding finery, like a beautiful doll waiting to be purchased at the shop. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Jarvis said.

“I said you’re free, dummy.” Tony moved closer. “Get up and go. Make like a tree and get out of here. Fly away, little pirate.” He made shooing motions with his tentacles to no avail. “Fine. If you want to rot here, go ahead. I won’t stop you.” Tony turned to leave, then glanced back to see if that had worked. Nothing.

“I don’t think reverse psychology works on someone under an evil spell,” Jarvis pointed out.

But Tony was focused on Bucky. “Listen, urchin-head.” Tony took Bucky’s head in his tentacles. “I honestly don’t care if you stay here. Only if you did, Bruce would be sad. And I like Bruce. He’s a nice guy.”

“I wouldn’t waste my time on him, if I were you,” the queen said, locking the prison door behind her. “He’s pretty, but not worth much more. And he’ll be dead soon in any case.”

“Be careful, Sir,” Jarvis warned. “All that glitters is not gold.”

“So you’re like a praying mantis?” Tony was more nervous than he should have been to have his final stand-off with the villain. But he hid it well.

“No,” she sauntered slowly closer. “I’m like you.”

“How’s that?” Tony tried to slowly maneuver so that he was between Bucky and the queen. He had a bad feeling about this black widow-type talk. “Dashingly handsome?”

She laughed, but her voice was like a dark tune echoing through the catacombs beneath Paris. “That...and more.” Her tone of voice was...maybe flirtatious? But the mask was just ruining it for Tony. She sauntered over to the dresser and picked up a vial of perfume. “People look at you and they see one thing, but they know nothing of your true gift.”

“And what’s that?” Tony prompted, keeping a close eye on the man in black. While he stalled, Jarvis scuttled across the floor to try snap Bucky out of it, pinching him with tiny claws.

“Genius.” She turned, her figure against the light possibly alluring to other duopods, but Tony wasn’t really into thoraxes, hourglass-shaped or otherwise.  

“Well, I’M a genius,” Tony admitted. “But you are, too?”

She nodded. “No one ever suspected the rest of my family didn’t die of natural causes.”

“That’s called a murderer,” Tony told her drily. “Not a genius.”

“They’re not mutually exclusive,” she said, sounding hurt. “Anyway, now that we’re married, I can start to play the game of thrones in earnest.”

“Look, what you two do in the bedroom is your business,” Tony told her firmly.

She laughed. “And yet here you are, standing between me and my husband on our wedding night.” Okay, so Tony’s tentacles had been sliding quietly toward Bucky, but it was only to protect him. And because Jarvis’ attempts to wake Bucky weren’t working.

“Game of Thrones sounds like a pretty boring game,” Tony said, one tentacle wrapping around Bucky’s waist.

“Oh no, it’s the most fun,” she smiled. “You can kill so many people.”

“I’m sensing a theme,” Tony said, looking around at their exit options. The queen was moving closer, and he let her, so that her attention would be off the poor pirate.

“You want revenge, too, don’t you?” she asked.

“Not really.” Tony said. “I just want back what they took. As long as Hydra stays out of the ocean--”

“Oh, but they won’t,” she assured him. “They won’t stop with just ruling everything on land. But if you were to stay here, by my side, we could _ make _ them stop. We could do anything we wanted.”

“What kind of life would that be?” Tony asked. “A life up here? Sounds depressing.”

“Even if you had someone who was your intellectual equal to challenge you every day?” she purred.

“You’re not my intellectual equal,” Tony told her flatly.

“Oh no?” She smiled. “Then why are you my prisoner?” Tony’s eyes flicked around the room. The queen had managed to either conjure or reveal a complete cage while they’d been talking. That was cute.

“I’m not your prisoner,” Tony said. “But I’ll stay inside this cage for you if you want--just so long as you do one thing for me.”

“And that is?” She looked curious.

“Let the pirate and his friends go. Don’t pursue them. Let them live long, happy, undisturbed by throney-game lives.”

“And then?”

“If you do that, I’ll stay here, and my heart will be yours for as long as your wizard holds his staff.”

She looked suspicious at his wording. And it was suspicious wording. “You mean for as long as I reign?”

“Nope. Just for as long as he has the staff. I know, it’s a pretty phallic metaphor for a kids’ movie, but I’m hoping it’ll go over their heads. So, do we have a deal?”

She laughed. “You’re trapped here. No deal.”

Tony showed her how easily he could squeeze between the bars of her magical cage. “You sure about that?”

“Husband!” she barked, furious. Bucky immediately stood at attention, though his eyes were still vacant, unblinking. “Cut off your left arm.”

“No!” Jarvis cried, yanking Bucky’s hair in one final desperate attempt to break the spell.

“Wait!” Tony shouted. He hadn’t meant to set the queen off, only show her how easily he could escape the cage. “I’m coming back--I’m coming back in!” But in the time it took Tony to speak the words, the man in black raised his scimitar and severed his left arm at the elbow. “No!” Tony raced toward him, wrapping tentacles around the stump as tight as they would go, trying to make a tourniquet. “You’re a monster!” he gasped, pulling Bucky close, tenderly, trying to staunch the blood flow.

The queen’s smile was razor sharp. “You see? I told you we were alike.”

“Just get the royal doctors!” Tony was crying, clutching Bucky against him. The human’s body had gone limp. “Just get them in here fast, and I’ll stay. Save his life, and I’ll stay.”

 

*

 

The queen smirked, walking out of the bridal suite, triumphant. That was, until the man in the red cowl stepped forward. “Hi there. Would you be interested in taking a brief exit survey today? We’re offering a free keychain to all participants.”

“Go away,” she growled, striding down the hall in an attempt to escape his stupidity.

Deadpool followed. “But how can ACME truly tailor our products to dastardly villains without your input?”

“If you don’t get away from me immediately, I’ll have you drawn and quartered.”

Wade smiled, excited. “Ooo, promise?”


	11. Burning Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Tony fights to keep Bucky alive, America faces off against Loki for the second time. When he starts to shapeshift, Wanda has to help. Hearing Bucky's screams of pain, Bruce and Wanda fly to Tony's aid, only to be blasted into space.

Tony gently patted Bucky’s cheek. “You’re not looking so good, dummy. Hang in there. Help’s coming.” Bucky didn’t look back. His eyes were lifeless, but Tony could feel his heart still beating, faintly. See the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. And yet the blood from his arm would not stop. Tony had slowed it, but it still flowed. And how much blood did duolegs have inside their dry little bodies anyway? Tony didn’t know. When they ran out of it, didn’t they die? 

“You stupid terra-man,” Tony scolded. “I’m trading my freedom for your life. The least you could do is say thank you.” And then Tony kissed him. That always did the trick in fishtales.

But Bucky’s blank eyes stared back at Tony, unblinking. Apparently kisses didn’t work in this one.

“A valiant effort, Sir,” Jarvis soothed. “Chin up. Surely the physicians will arrive at any moment.” He crawled down Tony’s arm and inserted a claw into the human’s brachial artery, effectively plugging it.

 

*

 

Checking on the bloody skull guy had produced unwanted results, namely a battle between Wanda, America, and Bruce and all of the Hydra goons. To make matters worse, Hydra had control of the blue light cannon again, which kept blinking the three heroes into inconvenient locations. 

America had been fighting three enemy soldiers at once, when she suddenly found herself ankle-deep in the moat. Fighting off crocodiles. And just when she thought she’d broken free, a clammy hand grabbed her ankle. The horned wizard dragged himself out of the mud, soaked to the bone, his wet hair starting to kink with all the grease washed out.

“Tell your friend, I don’t appreciate being wet,” he hissed. 

“I can see why,” America said. “You look like a drowned rodent of unusual size.”

Without his staff, the battle between America and the wizard seemed more even.  _ Seemed. _ The wizard produced daggers out of thin air, which didn’t bode well. “Wanda!” America called. “I may need your help.”

“I’m a little busy right now!” Wanda called back, tossing five Hydra goons into the air at once.

“On my way!” Bruce shouted, bursting through the wall of the castle, where he’d been transported with the last blue flash.

America succeeded in disarming the wizard, but somehow she still didn’t feel like it was over. “What do you need?” Wanda asked, out of breath, running over once Bruce had taken her place in battle.

“Make sure he doesn’t do anything--”

The wizard turned into a snake, which bolted for the moat.

“--like that.” America stomped her boot, trying to catch him, but he was too fast. Fortunately, not fast enough for Wanda, who lifted the squirming serpent into the air and kept him there, far enough that he couldn’t strike either of them. “Thank you,” America said.

“Any time.”

“Now change back and face me like a man!” America demanded.

“But I’m not a man,” the wizard replied, changing back into a voluptuous dark-haired beauty.

“I’m having confused feelings,” America said to Wanda.

“It’s okay,” Wanda reassured her. “I believe in you.” She kissed America on the cheek.

“Surrender, villain!” America pointed the tip of her blade at the wizard’s suddenly voluminous bosom.

“Is that really what you want to do?” The wizard smirked.

“You killed my mothers!” America reminded him.

“Come, come. That’s all water under the bridge.” He tried to come closer, but Wanda stopped him by binding him with glowing shackles of red light. “Well, well,” the wizard grinned. “If I’d known you were into that sort of thing…”

 

*

 

“Sir, I’m afraid we must consider the grim possibility that the queen has no intention of sending her physicians,” Jarvis said.

The last few minutes had felt like hours. Why hadn’t Tony thought of it before? Queen Giuletta had already made it clear she wasn’t interested in prolonging Bucky’s life. “Shitshells!”

But what more could he do? Then Tony remembered his blowtorch. “I’m sorry, my little barnacle,” Tony apologized to Bucky. “This is not going to feel good.”

“How may I be of assistance, Sir?”  

“Stay right there,” Tony told him. Jarvis’ little claw was probably the only thing keeping Bucky from bleeding to death right now. “I’ll tell you when to move.”

Grabbing the silver soapdish from beside the washbasin, Tony traded it for Jarvis, holding the metal against Bucky’s severed stump. Then he turned up the heat on his blowtorch, wincing. The flame was so hot, it was cooking his tips, so hopefully it would be hot enough to cauterize Bucky’s injury.

Even in his hypnotized state, the man in black began to scream. “Keep going!” Jarvis instructed, observing the procedure from Tony’s arm with his tiny welding visor on. Tony could hardly bear those screams, but maybe it was a good sign that Bucky could feel pain.

 

*

 

The wizard had gotten more and more provocative. First Wanda had bound him, and finally he stood before them, gagged as well. “It doesn’t feel right to get my revenge like this,” America said. 

“He should be in a jail somewhere.” But where did you jail a wizard? She was contemplating with such concentration, Wanda didn’t realize the wizard had turned himself into a snake again, and slithered out of his bonds.

“There!” America pointed to a patch of grass close by.

“No, there!” Wanda suddenly realized there were snakes everywhere. The wizard had somehow duplicated himself. “I just realized something,” Wanda said, voice wobbling.

“What is it?” America looked up, concerned.

“I hate snakes!” Wanda lifted herself up off the ground so that none of them could touch her.

“Then I guess it’s up to me,” America said, starting to skewer serpents. But it still didn’t feel right, even if they did disappear the moment her blade touched them.

A blood-curdling scream of pain made them all look up at the castle. “That sounds like the captain,” Bruce said.

“How do you know?” Wanda asked.

“We’ve been through a few battles together,” America said.

“I’m coming, captain!” Bruce shouted, using the many holes he’d made in the castle walls as a ladder, climbing up while at least seven Hydra goons dangled from various limbs.

“Go help him!” America told Wanda. “I’ll take care of the wizard.”

“If you’re sure,” Wanda said.

“I’m sure.” She wasn’t, but Wanda didn’t need to know that.

 

*

 

It wasn’t long before Tony couldn’t stand it anymore. He grabbed the washbasin with one tentacle and shoved Bucky’s metal-capped arm into it. Billows of steam rose out of the basin, and then the porcelain cracked, dousing Tony in boiling metal-water. 

“I’ll save you captain!” There was a cry from the other side of the stone wall, and then a giant fist smashed through it.

“Bruce?” Tony blinked away the dust and mortar.

“Tony?”

“Where’s the queen?” Wanda asked, hovering in mid-air behind Bruce, who hung from the battlements by sheer strength alone. Tony reached out with his tentacles to brush off the Hydra goons clinging to him. They fell screaming into the moat.

“She left. I don’t know.”

“Why was the captain screaming like that?” Bruce asked.

“She made him cut his arm off.” Tony felt horrible. He’d known instinctively that he needed to stand between them, but she’d tricked him with the temptation of squeezing through the bars.

“That’s terrible!” Bruce cried. But before Tony could agree, they were all engulfed in a blinding blue light.


	12. Pirates in Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transported to Asgard, Tony and friends enlist the help of one Thor Odinson, who's looking for his brother. Just when their battle against Hydra's army looks like it will never end, the cavalry arrives.

“Where are we?” Wanda asked, looking around at an expanse of stars scattered across endless darkness.

“Is that him?” a new voice asked, regal and powerful.

“No,” a second unfamiliar voice replied. “Just a bunch of Midgardians.”

“Midgard!” the first voice said. “I knew it! Loki always ends up there eventually.” A viking in full armor strode toward them across a bridge made of light prisms. “Hello, Midgardian friends. I am Thor Odinson, sworn protector of your realm. Have you by any chance seen my brother? About so high, so thin, dresses like he’s going to a funeral?”

“Does he wear gold horns on his head?” America asked.

“Oh no,” Thor groaned. “That old outfit?”

“Please,” Bruce begged. “Our captain has been injured. Can you help him?”

“Well aren’t you a handsome fellow,” Thor smiled, clapping Bruce on the back amiably. “Let’s have a look at your friend.” He bent down to look at Bucky, who was wrapped tenderly in Tony’s tentacles, while Bruce blushed a dark shade of crimson. “He’s missing an arm,” Thor announced, as though they didn’t already know.

“No shit, shellock,” Tony snarked. “Can you help him?”

“Oh no,” Thor said, standing up and shaking his head gravely. “I could perhaps contract a dwarf to create a weapon he could attach to the end of his arm, but I don’t have the power to re-attach severed limbs. Now, if you could show me to my brother?”

“Right now he’s your sister,” Wanda told him.

“Ah. Very clever,” Thor said. “I told you he might have changed his shape, Heimdall.”

The other viking shook his head. “The ancestors should still have found him.”

“Well, it’s no matter,” Thor smiled. “Now we’ve made some new Midgardian friends. Tell mother we’ll be home for tea.”

“I’ll have his prison cell readied,” the straight-faced Heimdall said.

Thor simply smiled kindly, waving, and suddenly they were back on the battlefield. “Where have you been?!” America shouted at them. “I keep getting surrounded!”

Everyone flew into action. Tony retreated under the drawbridge with Bucky, where he could keep the pirate safe. The crocodiles soon learned Tony was not worth messing with. “Where’s the wizard?” Wanda asked, fighting back to back with America.

“Gone,” America said, knocking a Hydra goon’s goggles off. “The snakes all disappeared.”

Thor proved a formidable foe. He had a hammer on the end of a sling which he spun around in circles until it mowed through the queen’s army like butter. It must have looked like a worthy challenge to Red Skull, who shouted down from the ramparts. “You think you wield real strength? My powers are beyond your comprehension!”

“By the power of Grayskull,” America whispered.

But the blue flash of light from Red Skull’s cannon just made Thor laugh a hearty, belly-laugh. “Silly brother. Father hates it when you steal from his treasure room.” He flew up to the ramparts and plucked a glowing cube out of the cannon, which immediately ceased to function.

“You cannot defeat me!” Red Skull screamed.

“No?” Thor’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “I just did.”

“Well...it didn’t count!” the general said, petulant. And turned to run for his life.

“My brother has strange friends,” Thor mused.

 

*

 

While Thor was busy taking care of Hydra’s secret weapon, Wanda and America continued to fight. They were nearly at their last strength, once more surrounded by Hydra’s army. 

“Dawn take you all!” Miracle Maximoff hovered in mid-air, arms thrown wide. Suddenly all of the Hydra goons ducked and fled under a hail of scrap metal, their weapons turning against them and flogging their wielders.

Doubled over with fatigue, Wanda huffed in frustration. “Papa, I was doing fine!”

“Where is that no good merman?” Maximoff demanded. “He gave me his word!”

“Where is the wizard?” America asked, sweaty and bleeding, but still ready to meet her destiny.

“He’s here,” a new voice said. It was an old man in a wheelchair, his head bald as an egg. A young man pushed the wheelchair over the grassy battlefield, but he did have hair--so light it looked platinum.

“Uncle Charles!” Wanda shouted. “Pietro!” She ran over to hug them both. “Papa, you made up with Uncle Charles?” she turned to look at the floating miracle worker.

“When he has a vision that you’re in danger? You’d better believe I do. But it’s right back to the swamp with you once this is all over!” He pointed accusingly at the man in the wheelchair.

“Can somebody please tell me what’s going on?” Tony asked, peering out from under the drawbridge. Bits of metal were still beating up the Hydra goons, making their retreat permanent this time.

 

*

 

Seeing her army defeated, Queen Giuletta wasted no time making her escape. Or trying to.

“Are you sure you won’t take the survey?” Deadpool asked, pursuing her carriage on unicorn-back. 

“Why won’t you stay dead!?” the queen shouted, pelting him with throwing knives.

“Tee-hee! That tickles!” Wade said. “Do it again!” The queen’s screams of rage and frustration were all that was left behind in the wake of her retreat.

 

*

 

“Uncle Charles.” Thor stepped forward, clearly thinking that ‘uncle’ was a knightly title on Midgard. “Have you found my brother?” Charles gestured, and the outline of a man shimmered in the air several feet away. “Brother!” Thor pounced it like a great dane greeting its master. 

“Get off me!” the wizard whined, materializing and shoving the bearded face away. “You smell!” Everyone else laughed like a live studio audience.

“You know, this is great and all, but what are we gonna do about Bucky?” Tony asked, slinking across the grass to join the rest of the party.

“Uncle Charles,” Wanda said, her large blue eyes pleading. “He’s hurt.”

“Let’s have a look.” His wheelchair rose from the ground, and Tony decided that, yes, all landhuggers must be able to fly. Which was good to know. Charles examined Bucky for a few moments. “He’s lost a great deal of blood, but his physical condition is stable.” Charles looked at Tony. “What you did saved his life.”

“Are you sure it didn’t just scar him permanently?” Tony couldn’t take a compliment. Not seriously.

“Credit where credit is due, Sir,” Jarvis reminded him.

“Well, it did,” Charles answered Tony’s question. “But I feel certain Erik can turn his injury into an asset.”

“There you go again,” Maximoff sniffed, turning away. “Speaking for me as if I weren’t here.”

“Oh, Papa,” Wanda frowned. But theirs wasn’t the only family drama playing out.

“Loki, you’ve made mother very sad. All this time, and you didn’t even send a raven,” Thor scolded.

“It’s only been a year!” the wizard stamped his foot like a child about to throw a temper tantrum. “I’m an adult!”

“Hello.” America stepped forward. “My name is America Chavez.”

“Hello!” Thor smiled.

“Not this again,” the wizard rolled his eyes.

“He killed my mothers,” she continued. “As a dutiful daughter, I am honor-bound to avenge their deaths.”

“Is this true?” Thor looked at the wizard, frowning with disappointment.

The wizard shrugged. “It’s possible a dimension got in my way. Couldn’t be helped.”

“I’ll have to tell father,” Thor said, gravely.

“You’re such a tattletale!” the wizard whined.

“Am not!” There was a flash of rainbow, and suddenly the viking disappeared.

“Are too, are too!” the wizard disappeared just after him, clearly giving pursuit.

“Well, that was unsatisfying,” America said.


	13. True Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the midst of the Lensherr-Xavier family reunion, Tony still can't get Bucky to snap out of the queen's spell. On Charles' and Jarvis' advice, he plants a kiss on Bucky to end all kisses. Bucky passes the pirate torch to America. Bruce is voted King of Florin. But it's too hard to say goodbye. Bucky follows Tony back to the sea to give his heart back.

“Come,” Wanda said, taking America’s hand. “I want you to meet my twin brother.” 

“There are two of you?”

But it wasn’t all happy sibling bonding. Charles was still examining Bucky, his fingers pressed to Bucky’s temples, eyes closed in concentration. “I’m sorry,” he told Tony, looking up. “I can’t reach him.”

“No!” Tony sank down in the grass. “This can’t be the end. It can’t be.”

“Let’s think about this logically,” Bruce said. Now that the giant handsome viking was gone, he could concentrate again. “What was it that put him in this state?”

“I don’t know!” Tony said, despairing.

“It has to be the wizard’s staff,” Wanda said. “It’s how he controlled all of the servants.”

“That’s my girl!” Maximoff said proudly.

“I believe her intelligence takes more after me,” Charles said. And they were off, bickering again.

“Oh no,” Bruce said. “Did the wizard take his staff with him?”

“Nope. Got it right here.” Tony peeled it out of his suckers, which had been holding it tightly this whole time. “So what do I do?” he asked. “Bibbity bobbity boo?”

“Ugh, no.” Maximoff scowled. “I can’t stand that woman.”

“Erik, be kind,” Charles told him. “They’re our parent company now.”

“Here.” Wanda gently took the staff from Tony, wincing a little at its slimyness. “Now the day is good and won, your influence has been undone!” She waved the staff around a bit and handed it back to Tony.

“Well I could have done that,” Tony said. But looking down at Bucky there was no change. “It didn’t work.”

“What’s that set into the end?” Charles asked, indicating the glowing orb in the wizard’s staff.

“Oh, that?” Tony wasn’t sure just why he felt embarrassed, only that he did. “That’s my heart.”

“Ah.” Charles sat back in his wheelchair.

“What’s that supposed to mean.”

“That’s the sound he makes when he thinks he’s the smartest person in the room,” Maximoff said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well?” Tony looked at the bald man expectantly.

“You should have told me, Erik,” he said, looking at his partner, who quickly turned his back on Charles. “This is a case of True Love.”

He said it as if it were an incurable disease. “Okay?” Tony didn’t know how to feel about that pronouncement.

“I see,” Jarvis said, thoughtful.

“He’s under a spell, but it wasn’t cast by the wizard.” Charles patted Tony’s shoulder. “If you want to save him, you must give him your heart.”

“That’s a little heavy-handed, don’t you think?” Tony said.

“But you love him, don’t you?” Bruce asked.

“None of your beeswax!” Tony grumped.

“We’ll give the two of you some privacy,” Charles said kindly, before levitating his wheelchair over to the drawbridge. “Come on, Erik.”

“I’m moving, but not because you told me to, Charles.” Bruce used his eyes to plead with Tony before following after them.

“Now listen up, sharkbait,” Tony told Bucky’s prone form. “Don’t let this go to your head. I’m only doing it to return the favor. You saved my life, now I save yours.” He popped the globe holding his heart out of the wizard’s staff and gently placed it in Bucky’s remaining hand.

“Okay, that’s it,” Tony told him. “You’re supposed to wake up now.” But he didn’t. Bucky’s fingers closed around the globe, but he continued to stare at the sky, eyes vacant. A small voice began to sing, softly.

_ “There you see him _

_ lying there upon the ground _

_ he can’t make a lot of sound _

_ but there’s something about him _

_ And you don’t know why _

_ but you don’t want him to die _

_ You’ve got to kiss the pirate…” _

“Please stop,” Tony begged Jarvis.

“Quite right, Sir. I didn’t feel good about it,” Jarvis said. “But if I may speak plainly, you really should kiss him now.”

“Oh, for crying out--!” Tony took Bucky’s face in both hands and planted one on him with intent. He meant it this time. Bucky was going to feel fully, properly kissed, or his name wasn’t Anthony Edward Stark.

Since the invention of the kiss, there have been three kisses widely considered to be the most wholesome, the most pure, the most rated PG... This was not one of those.

Tony was pretty sure this kiss would have impregnated Bucky if the amputee pirate had been another mer. But he wasn’t. He was just your average sky-flying landhugger with his sex parts on the outside of his body.

Dry arms wrapped around Tony--one with a hand and one without--and then Bucky was kissing him back, groaning with pleasure at the feel of Tony’s tentacles in all his nooks and crevices. “Alright.” Tony pulled away. Not that he needed air to breathe or anything. “That’s enough. You’re okay now. That means I can go home.”

The pirate just stared at him, and Tony had to boop his nose to make sure he hadn’t fallen into hypnosis again. “Captain!” Bruce was suddenly standing over them, smiling down at Bucky. “You’re awake.”

“How long have you been standing there?” Tony’s eyes narrowed.

“I am.” Bucky offered Bruce a wan smile. “Thanks to all of you.”

“It was mostly me,” Tony said, looking miffed. “Not that you care.” He drew himself up and went looking for his trusty cart.

“Well done, Sir!” Jarvis said. “I commend you.”

“Yeah, well looks like you’re the only one.” No one else was even paying attention to Tony anymore.

“Well,” Bucky told all of them. “I suppose this is the end.”

“What do you mean?” Bruce asked. “Now that you’re awake, we can return to the ship and our adventures on the high seas!”

“I’m afraid not,” Bucky said, propping himself up with Wanda’s help. “I’ll never be Dread Pirate Roberts now.” He held up his metal stump.

“It’ll just take some time to get used to,” Bruce began, but Bucky shook his head. “My heart was never really in it.” His eyes followed Tony, who’d found his cart and was situating himself inside it.

“That can’t be true,” Bruce insisted. “Your heart belongs to the sea. You told us so.”

“Maybe it does,” Bucky smiled sadly. “But I can’t do the mask justice anymore. It’s time that a new Dread Pirate Roberts took up the mantle. America.” He reached up to her, extending the swatch of black silk.

“Me?” America looked shocked. “But now that my destiny is fulfilled...I was going to stay here with Wanda.” 

“Papa’s been waiting a long time for us to leave the nest,” Wanda said, glancing over at her fathers, who were still bickering.

“Being a pirate could be fun,” Pietro smiled.

“Think of all the new legends we could start,” Wanda said, eyes wide with excitement.

“We’ll miss you, captain,” Bruce said, taking out his large handkerchief to dab away tears.

“You mean we’ll miss  **you** ,” Bucky told him. “Bruce, this kingdom is now without a ruler. And there’s no one I know who’s more kind or fair than you.”  

“Me?”

“He’s right,” America agreed. “You would make a good ruler.”

Bruce hesitated, petting Betty. “Well...I guess it wouldn’t hurt--just until things get back to normal.”

“I approve on one condition,” Maximoff said. “You hire us as your royal miracle worker and psychic.”

“I’ll certainly need your help,” Bruce said, nodding. “But captain--”

“Captain?” Bucky had disappeared. They looked for him, but found no trace.

 

*

 

Goodbyes were hard. Bucky wanted to spare his friends that pain. Besides, he intended to see them all again someday, so it wasn’t really goodbye. 

He used his pirate skills of stealth to follow Tony back to the sea. And when the merman finally arrived at the water’s edge two days later, Bucky was waiting for him on the beach. 

“What the fluke do you want?” Tony said.

“You forgot something.” Bucky held Tony’s heart out to him.

“What, are you kidding? That old thing? I haven’t used it in years.”

“Come on.” Bucky walked closer. “It’s yours.” He pressed the orb into Tony’s hands. “Thanks for the loan, though.”

“I save your life and this is the thanks I get?” Tony looked hurt. “You just give my heart back to me like unwanted driftwood?”

“I don’t deserve it,” Bucky said softly. “I could never be worthy of such a gift.”

“Well too bad, sucker,” Tony told him. “That’s not how this works.” He pushed it back at Bucky. “It’s yours now, whether you want it or not.”

“What are you saying?” Bucky asked softly.

“I’m saying I love you, dummy!” Tony snapped. “Now you’d better keep that safe, or you’ll  **really** be sorry.”

It took long moments, but finally, Bucky smiled. “As you wish.”

 

_\---Fin---_


End file.
